The Surprising Thing Anthony Bourdain Never Put On His Burger

I love hamburgers, but I am particular about how they are made. While I enjoy going out and trying new burger spots in my free time, if I’m making hamburgers at home, I follow Anthony Bourdain’s “Hamburger Rules,” as outlined in his 2016 cookbook, Appetites.

Bourdain recommends using a potato bun, a patty (or two) that matches the surface area of said bun, thinly sliced raw onions, processed American cheese, mayonnaise, ketchup, and a single slice of bacon. Notice anything missing? Lettuce.

Why Anthony Bourdain Didn't Put Lettuce On His Hamburgers

As he did for many other subjects, Bourdain had strong opinions about lettuce on a burger. Notably, that lettuce can be a slippery topping that threatens the structural integrity of the hamburger. For Bourdain, structural integrity is of the utmost importance. His thoughts on buns, tomatoes, and bacon all come with caveats of their own, each with the sole purpose of avoiding a slippery mess.

“I’ll have my salad on the side,” Bourdain says. “But I understand the desire for crunch,” he continued. “If you’re putting mesclun or baby arugula on your burger, though, Guantanamo Bay would not be an unreasonable punishment.”

I couldn’t agree more. I don’t see the appeal of warm lettuce. Even worse is one thin leaf that turns soft and slimy while traveling from the kitchen to the table. No, thank you! Just leave it off entirely when you’re making a burger for me.

If you absolutely must put lettuce on your burger, Bourdain recommends using “finely shredded iceberg. Or maybe romaine. Period.”

Other Bourdain Burger Rules To Follow

While a good burger is up to the interpretation of the person cooking it, Bourdain’s rules guarantee a quality American hamburger every time. For starters, a potato bun will never let you down, no matter how tempting brioche might be. Per Bourdain’s notes, onions should be sliced paper-thin and added to the burger raw, not caramelized.

Tomatoes should be represented by a single slice of a larger tomato, such as a beefsteak. The larger the slice, the more friction to help the tomato stay in place. Nobody wants a stack of several smaller slices that slip out when you eat the burger.

In terms of condiments, mayonnaise should be “applied judiciously,” and ketchup should not be some “housemade chutney.” Cheese should be Velveeta, American, or a similar sliced processed cheese that melts readily.

As for bacon, Bourdain notes that, like every other ingredient on the burger, serious attention must be paid to thickness, doneness, and cut. Bacon should be thin, cooked well-done, and just one slice max. “You can, as it turns out, have too much bacon,” he jokes.

I’m with him on all these points. So, with Bourdain’s classic rules as your guidelines, I wish you the neatest, least slippery, most delicious burger you can make!